If you’re the parent of a teenager, chances are you spend a fair amount of time alternately pulling your hair out (hopefully, only figuratively speaking) and worrying. Of course there are also moments of calm, even laughter, and occasional bliss, made all the more sweet in contrast to the worry and the inevitable conflicts.

I read a column recently by a man, a father, who thinks we worry too much about our teenagers. His take is that things aren’t really all that bad, or all that different than they ever were. Perhaps it’s true that every generation thinks they face problems with their adolescents previous generations never did.

Now maybe it’s me, or where I live (suburban New York City), or a combination of factors, but I think trying to counter the culture at the moment is pretty tough. Teenagers are by nature drawn to their peers. It’s part of growing up and away from parents. The problem is that I don’t think most of my neighbors (and my children’s peers) share many of the same values we do.

Near the top of the list of worries for parents of teens, at least in my neck of the woods, is alcohol. Friends with older children had warned me that alcohol suddenly becomes an issue when kids start high school. My friend’s daughter confirms to her what my own daughter tells me: that alcohol is everywhere. Even the most vigilant parents at homes where parties or informal get-togethers are happening are taken by surprise. Kids sneak it past them in water bottles, or keep it in their cars for easy, unobserved access. And it’s natural to worry that even children who know better might be tempted. So what’s a parent to do?

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Enter Michael Nerney. He specializes in substance and alcohol abuse and prevention and speaks to parent groups about a whole range of issues that affect teenagers. I heard him speak at one such forum, and soon after had the chance to interview him.

Nerney is a former director of the Training Institute of Narcotic and Drug Research, and has served as a consultant to various federal and state agencies. Part of his work includes keeping up with the latest research on the teenage brain.

Among other things we now know, according to Nerney, is that “kids have three to four more times the emotional intensity about everything when they’re teens.” So teenagers are emotional. Who didn’t know that? But stop and think about it for a moment. I’m emotional. I cry at TV commercials and movie soundtracks and a host of other things. Now multiply that times four, and imagine what it’s like to be a teenager and be angry, or sad, or happy, or almost anything. It’s not that we shouldn’t encourage kids to control their emotions when called for, but it helps to know that their emotions are much more difficult to control than ours simply because they are that much stronger.

Nerney says we also know that the teenage brain rewards risk-taking. That means teens, by nature, are drawn to engage in risky emotional, social and physical behavior. How can parents make use of that information? “Provide outlets that are safe, but still provide a sense of risk,” Nerney suggests. For some that might mean encouraging them to get involved in theater or music. Performing can be exciting, and even scary, in a good way. For others, sports can furnish thrills. He suggests letting teenagers watch scary movies at sleepovers (or what he wryly refers to as “wakeovers”). Nerney told me it’s part of the reason amusement parks and terrifying roller coaster rides are so popular among teens.

Something else that’s important for teens is social bonding. Again, while you may be saying, “duh,” recognizing the critical role it plays in teenagers’ development can be helpful. For example, Nerney believes it’s important, if at all possible, for teenagers to have more than one social network, and parents should look for opportunities to help provide them. Why? “Say the ‘alpha’ girl in your daughter’s neighborhood ‘pack’ decides to start smoking. If there are no other opportunities for her to be connected with other kids, that’s a problem. She should have other options,” according to Nerney. Sports teams and church youth groups are just two of many possibilities.

And what about the subject of alcohol? Nerney takes it very seriously, and thinks parents should, too. Drinking, especially binge drinking, can cause permanent damage to the teenage brain. As he told our group of parents, “The potential loss of future cognitive ability is real. Drinking for teens is not okay.” He advises locking the liquor cabinet. Even if you completely trust your own child, it may prove too tempting for a friend or acquaintance. Another bit of advice: parents shouldn’t tell kids their drinking war stories. It may feel like a bonding opportunity, but it’s not a good idea. And if kids do drink, there should be consequences.

Nerney emphasizes what most of us (hopefully) know: that a teenager’s relationship with his or her parents is critical. “Being a positive role model, and demonstrating relentless love, care and consideration are so important. So is giving kids a sense of boundaries.”

On those occasions when you’re pushed to utter frustration, it may help to remember something else Nerney had to say: “A normal part of adolescent development is some rejection of the parents’ values. It may be overt or covert, but it’s all part of finding the set of beliefs that will guide them through their lives. And usually the rejection is temporary. It is normal for parents and teens to be in conflict over some things.”

What does research indicate in terms of the role religion plays in the lives of teenagers? It is unquestionably a good thing. “When kids feel there is a purpose to their lives, they are less likely to get into drugs and alcohol.”

And hopefully, that relentless love, care and consideration from parents will work to increase their capacity to believe in a God who also loves them relentlessly.

After ten years as a producer for CBS News, forty-something years as an Episcopalian, and fifteen years as a mother, Marcia Segelstein (mvsegelstein@optonline.net) considers herself a reluctant rebel against the mainstream media, the Episcopal Church (and others which make up the rules instead of obeying them), and the decaying culture her children witness every day. Her pieces have been published in “First Things,” “Touchstone: A Journal of Mere Christianity,” and “BreakpointOnline,” and she is a contributing editor for Salvo magazine.

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